Our Christmas

It's a few days after Christmas and we put all the new clothes away for Tey, Kiera and Eliana and the new toys have found their new homes in our not so spacious house.  Kiera has been waking up every morning SO excited to play with her new kitchen.  We spent Christmas day at home which was really nice.  No running from here to there, everyone was able to just relax, use/play with their new stuff and cook a nice dinner that we could all eat together.

Brian and I were up until 1am on Christmas Eve putting the kitchen together.  So many pieces.  I stayed up after that to write a letter to Jace to put in his stocking.  I listened to my songs I have for Jace and cried while I wrote my sweet boy.  On Christmas day I looked for a sign from him all day.  Lisa, Chris, Bella and Jolie in NC went on a hike and a cardinal went right in front of them on the path.  Diana and Mag's both kept seeing a cardinal in their back yard.  I was waiting for mine and Lisa reminded me that it will come when I'm not looking for it.  Night time came and I thought I wouldn't get one.  Then I started a new series on Netflix.  I know because of the way it all worked out it was Jace.  Brian and I normally watch a show together but he fell behind because he fell asleep.  So, I decided to start a new series while he caught up on "our series".  I started it and watched the first episode and loved it.  I decided to stay up and watch another.  At the end of the second episode one of my songs for Jace (and this one was also for Eliana, it's also Lisa's song for Jolie) came on, and it's not one you just hear.  It was "Answer" by Sarah McLachlan.  As soon as I heard it I knew that was my sign from Jace.  Him saying I love you mommy and Merry Christmas and I AM here with you. 

It's a really beautiful and meaningful song.  When Lisa was pregnant with Jolie she found out at about 38 weeks that Jolie had a congenital heart defect.  If she hadn't gotten this last minute ultrasound they probably would not have known until something happened during Jolie's life.  She has Ebstein's Malformation of the Tricuspid Valve and WPW (Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome).  At that time they were told the ultrasound showed it looking severe.  They weren't sure if Jolie was going to be breathing when she came out.  When the day came for Lisa to deliver her delivery room was completely filled with doctors and nurses (she had to deliver at John's Hopkins because of the heart defects) ready to save their little girl.  When Jolie came out, it was a miracle.  Not the kind of miracle where the heart defect wasn't there, but Jolie came out and took her first breath and cried.  That in itself is a miracle.  Jolie's heart defect went from being severe to mild.  Lisa may have to correct me but I believe it was that first breath she took that changed everything.  It DIDN'T take away the awful news BUT it meant that Jolie was okay for that day.  Jolie had to spend her first days in the NICU at John's Hopkins but she did so well she was able to go back to their room and went home with them.  These defects will have to be monitored for the rest of Jolie's life.  She had to receive treatment (surgery) for her WPW last year.  And we have to pray that the Epstein's stays mild and will never require open heart surgery. 

So, the song I mentioned above was Lisa's song for Jolie.  It was the first I'd ever heard of it.  When I had the twins Lisa wanted me to listen to that song again and I knew that was my song for my two fighters.  And still, after Jace passed away, it's my song for my two fighters.

My sister and I facetimed late Christmas night and talked about Jace and Eliana.  We talked about the miracle that is Eliana.  And we talked about the missing piece of our family that is Jace. We cried together.  We remembered together.

After Jace passed one of the lyrics that made me think of him the most in the most HEARTBREAKING way was this one:

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

Because in the end we had to make the decision to remove the machines that were keeping Jace alive.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jKHIxBBfWU

On Christmas we celebrated what we have.  We celebrated Eliana's first Christmas.  I embraced the true miracle that she is.  But I also cried for Jace.  I cried for what SHOULD be.  I cried for my son who I only get to hold in my heart.

Happy Birthday Tey!

Today is MY Tey Tey's birthday!  He is now 15.

Yes, I just said 15.

I still can't believe it.  I have a 15 year old?  How is this possible?

15 is closer to 16 which = license.  THAT scares me.  So, instead I'll try to focus on the now.  Even though the big topic in our house right now is that Tey can get his learner's permit in October 2017.  NOT GOING THERE EITHER!

It's nearly impossible for me to put into words how much Tey means to me.  I mean, obviously, he is my son.  But, beyond that, Tey and I have been through a lot together.  He has watched me learn and grow just like I've watched him.  I'm proud of him in so many ways.  And as much as I hate to see him hurt in any way, I know the mistakes Tey has made are life lessons that WILL make him look at life with different eyes.  He is NOT perfect but he is my son and no matter how imperfect he is I will always have his back and I will always love him with a love that isn't explainable with words.

So, Happy Birthday to the one who made me a mom!  I love you with all of my heart and soul and I AM so so proud of you!  Continue to learn from your mistakes and continue to grow from them.  Always try to be a nice person, try to be a good person, be there for your family and your true friends.  You are the older brother and yes, years and years are between you and your siblings, but you are their hero, don't forget that.

Pics of little Tey below :)

27 weeks 4 days

I had the twins at 27 weeks 3 days.  Today I am officially 27 weeks 4 days!  This is a big milestone.  Baby Judah is still safely tucked in where he should be. 

I went for a check-up Tuesday morning and all looked good.  Cervix is long and closed and I got a few 3d pictures of Judah and they are amazing!  I'm pretty sure he has Kiera lips:)

Feeling very grateful to be continuing this pregnancy even just one day more than the twins.  More time in the womb means better chances for this baby boy. And more time for me to feel all of his kicks and punches - which is my favorite part of pregnancy.  And this little boy is VERY active!

I am very aware this pregnancy - reminding myself to enjoy every minute.  Of course, I complain at times from being uncomfortable (my belly is HUGE) but I try not to go overboard.  I am embracing all that comes with pregnancy and reminding myself how lucky I am and what a miracle it all is.

10 months without Jace

It is hard to believe that it has already been 10 months without Jace.  The time is flying by and it scares me.  It scares me to be further away from the last time I held him and breathed him in.

The day I spent with Jace after his passing was a day I'll never forget.  I didn't want to let him go.  I truly tried to memorize him - it didn't matter that in those moments he did not look like the Jace everyone knew, because I could still see him.  I could feel him.  I kissed him - his head, his lips, his fingers - every part of him including his surgery site where he had the ostomy bag in place.  Because that was Jace.  That was supposed to be the Jace we had here on Earth with us.  I was supposed to be learning how to change his ostomy bag and keep it clean until he could have his reversal surgery.  Those are things many may dread but God do I wish I could have all of those moments with him.  I don't have any regrets about that day, no regrets about staying with him all day even though his body was changing.  No regrets about giving him a bath for the first time wire free and the last time.  No regrets about getting pictures by the hospital and no regrets getting pictures done with Jace by Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep.  No regrets asking others if they wanted to hold him because Jace was theirs too.  And no regrets handing him over to his nurse, Alexis, who had also become our dear friend, for her to take him from what was his home to the morgue.  I knew she loved him like we all did and that trip wasn't easy for her either but I knew he would continue to feel the love from her.

My only regret is that he died.  Of course, I ask myself every single day, could I have done something differently to save him?  I noticed that his stomach was distended days before he was diagnosed with NEC.  But, I had never even heard of NEC at that point.  Could I have saved him?  Maybe if it had been caught earlier he could have been saved.  I look at pictures from the first day of distention and I stare and stare at his belly.  How could I, as his mother, have missed that something was wrong.  I mean, I noticed it was big.  I said it several times that day.  But could I have done more?
These are all questions I'll never have answered.  Maybe if it had been caught earlier he would have lived.  Maybe if it had been caught earlier he wouldn't have lived. I know now NEC has a high mortality rate so maybe his chances would not have been great.  But it still would have been a chance.

So, on this 10th month without one of my children, I look back with so many thoughts and feelings.  But the biggest thought/feeling/truth of it all is that I am still thankful because he is my son.  I am his mommy.  I would take 23 days with him over not having him at all.