Our Christmas

It's a few days after Christmas and we put all the new clothes away for Tey, Kiera and Eliana and the new toys have found their new homes in our not so spacious house.  Kiera has been waking up every morning SO excited to play with her new kitchen.  We spent Christmas day at home which was really nice.  No running from here to there, everyone was able to just relax, use/play with their new stuff and cook a nice dinner that we could all eat together.

Brian and I were up until 1am on Christmas Eve putting the kitchen together.  So many pieces.  I stayed up after that to write a letter to Jace to put in his stocking.  I listened to my songs I have for Jace and cried while I wrote my sweet boy.  On Christmas day I looked for a sign from him all day.  Lisa, Chris, Bella and Jolie in NC went on a hike and a cardinal went right in front of them on the path.  Diana and Mag's both kept seeing a cardinal in their back yard.  I was waiting for mine and Lisa reminded me that it will come when I'm not looking for it.  Night time came and I thought I wouldn't get one.  Then I started a new series on Netflix.  I know because of the way it all worked out it was Jace.  Brian and I normally watch a show together but he fell behind because he fell asleep.  So, I decided to start a new series while he caught up on "our series".  I started it and watched the first episode and loved it.  I decided to stay up and watch another.  At the end of the second episode one of my songs for Jace (and this one was also for Eliana, it's also Lisa's song for Jolie) came on, and it's not one you just hear.  It was "Answer" by Sarah McLachlan.  As soon as I heard it I knew that was my sign from Jace.  Him saying I love you mommy and Merry Christmas and I AM here with you. 

It's a really beautiful and meaningful song.  When Lisa was pregnant with Jolie she found out at about 38 weeks that Jolie had a congenital heart defect.  If she hadn't gotten this last minute ultrasound they probably would not have known until something happened during Jolie's life.  She has Ebstein's Malformation of the Tricuspid Valve and WPW (Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome).  At that time they were told the ultrasound showed it looking severe.  They weren't sure if Jolie was going to be breathing when she came out.  When the day came for Lisa to deliver her delivery room was completely filled with doctors and nurses (she had to deliver at John's Hopkins because of the heart defects) ready to save their little girl.  When Jolie came out, it was a miracle.  Not the kind of miracle where the heart defect wasn't there, but Jolie came out and took her first breath and cried.  That in itself is a miracle.  Jolie's heart defect went from being severe to mild.  Lisa may have to correct me but I believe it was that first breath she took that changed everything.  It DIDN'T take away the awful news BUT it meant that Jolie was okay for that day.  Jolie had to spend her first days in the NICU at John's Hopkins but she did so well she was able to go back to their room and went home with them.  These defects will have to be monitored for the rest of Jolie's life.  She had to receive treatment (surgery) for her WPW last year.  And we have to pray that the Epstein's stays mild and will never require open heart surgery. 

So, the song I mentioned above was Lisa's song for Jolie.  It was the first I'd ever heard of it.  When I had the twins Lisa wanted me to listen to that song again and I knew that was my song for my two fighters.  And still, after Jace passed away, it's my song for my two fighters.

My sister and I facetimed late Christmas night and talked about Jace and Eliana.  We talked about the miracle that is Eliana.  And we talked about the missing piece of our family that is Jace. We cried together.  We remembered together.

After Jace passed one of the lyrics that made me think of him the most in the most HEARTBREAKING way was this one:

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

Because in the end we had to make the decision to remove the machines that were keeping Jace alive.
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1jKHIxBBfWU

On Christmas we celebrated what we have.  We celebrated Eliana's first Christmas.  I embraced the true miracle that she is.  But I also cried for Jace.  I cried for what SHOULD be.  I cried for my son who I only get to hold in my heart.