Happy 1st Birthday, Jace

My sweet angel Jace,

Happy 1st birthday baby boy.  You're not here with us but it's still your birthday, you're still turning 1, right?.  I hope you're celebrating in heaven.  We celebrate you and Eliana today but also ache to have you here. 

I. MISS. YOU.
On this day I wonder what you would be like as a 1 year old?  I know you and Eliana would be the best of friends.  You would be learning together: how to crawl, walk, talk.  You would be each other's biggest fans and biggest supporters, yes, even at 1:)  I wonder how much hair you would have and if it would still be that strawberry blondish color like your daddy's?  I wonder if you would have any teeth yet?  Kiera would probably be taking toys from you like she does Eliana and then following up with a sweet hug and kiss.  Tey would probably already be trying to teach you basketball.  Daddy and I would be snuggling you and working so hard to get you caught up, like we do Eliana.

As this day has gotten closer I have felt sadder and sadder.  This last year has been the fastest year of my life.  Having you two early.  Eliana having to spend the first 3 months of her life in the NICU.  Losing you after 23 days.  And now, you're already going to be 1?  So much heartbreak and joy in one year.  2016 represents the WORST year of my life BUT at the same time it's so hard to let go of because it is YOUR year. You lived your entire life in 2016.  Moving away from 2016 takes me further away from my time with you and that is so hard.

I took off work the last couple of days because of my sadness.  I just needed time.  I went through my box with your stuff in it.  The onesie you wore after you passed away that has your blood on it.  It still smells like you.  Your blood pressure cuff, your c-pap pieces, your hat, your hospital band.  The onesie you wore to the morgue is still laying in your crib. I still sleep with your blanket every night, holding it in my hand under my pillow.  I just miss you so very much.

I don't know how I have made it through this last year without you.  I didn't think I would, but somehow I have.  There is not a day that goes by that you aren't the first thing I think of when I wake and go to bed.  Not a day that goes by that I don't say your name AND look at your sweet face.  Not a day that goes by that I don't look for signs from you. 

I know in heaven you are pain free.  I hope that you know how loved you ARE and how wanted you ARE.  How I wish for what SHOULD have been.  But life, your life, didn't turn out that way, Jace.  I now know that.  Life doesn't go as we think it should.  But nothing takes away the fact that you are my son.  I love you more than words and today I celebrate Jace AND Eliana's first birthday.  We are going to send you balloons today and will all write you a letter that we hope you will get in Heaven.  I love you baby boy, so so so very much.  Happy 1st Birthday. 

Love forever,
Mommy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=any5qq6jAio&t=3s