Jace Everett Gorman
01/10/2016-02/02/2016
Michael Robert Silverman
11/17/1977-02/16/2018
Friday, August 24, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Tey's Dad
I haven't been able to write a blog post because I truly am at a loss for words. This year, just like in 2016, started with the death of someone who meant the world to many people. Tey's dad, Mike Silverman, passed away on February 16, 2018. He was 40 years old. Anyone that knew Tey also knew Mike. Anyone that knew Mike also knew Tey. Why? Because they were best friends, they were inseparable, they were each other's world. And now, that world has been broken apart.
Mike was a truly good hearted person who loved his family and would literally do anything for anyone. You know that saying, "he'll give you the shirt off his back", well, with Mike that saying was true. He DID take the shirt off his back for others. And he would have done it every single day for anyone that needed it. He could not walk or drive by a homeless person without giving something. He made friends wherever he went and his energy was contagious. Most of the time he had a smile on his face and his smile was a truly genuine one, one that you don't see often. He loved life. He was a very hard worker and he could play and have fun like no other (that's definitely where Tey gets it from). He was also very emotional and he hurt when others hurt. He wore his heart on his sleeve but not everyone knew that. I'm not even sure that makes sense? But for those that knew Mike, truly knew him, you know exactly what I'm saying.
Mike was Tey's dad but also a coach, He was "Coach Mike" to Tey and many of Tey's friends. He was everywhere those boys were and he was hard on them, on and off the court, in the best ways.
Tey is SO good at basketball because of Mike. He had him dribbling between his legs by 3 years old (maybe even 2)! Basketball was their biggest bond. If they weren't playing it they were watching it. And if they weren't together watching it they were constantly calling or texting each other about the big play they just watched. This past year Tey played on the JV team at Lansdowne High School and Mike videotaped every game. After each game he would create highlight videos of Tey AND also Tey's friends. He knew them all. And not just in passing. Literally these boys would look for him, asking Tey where his dad is and go over to him to shake his hand and say hi.
Mike was unique and young at heart and caring and accepting of everyone.
I could go on and on.
There aren't enough words to explain Mike, but again, for those that knew Mike, you know. We were the lucky ones to have him in our lives, to feel and feed off of his energy.
It took us some time but Mike and I were able to co-parent on fantastic terms and create a strong friendship. Brian and Mike got along great and Brian loved talking to Mike. My littles knew Mike as "Mr. Mike" and they loved him too. They knew him. They will ALWAYS know him.
Mike's funeral, as sad and devastating as it was, was also beautiful. The words spoken about Mike were words of truth. So many stories that made you laugh and cry and shake your head. And as his sister said, you left feeling a lot of hope, which is what Mike would have wanted.
I am still in shock. At certain moments every day I ask myself if this is real? I ask myself, is he really gone? I get angry and sad. I can't believe it. It's not fair. How could Tey lose his dad? And he lost his brother 2 years and 2 weeks prior? I'll never understand it. I'll always ask why. I'll never think it's fair or right. I miss him so I can only imagine how Tey feels and how his parents and siblings feel. It's another unexplainable, painful, heartbreaking loss, that I don't know I'll ever be able to comprehend or accept.
He was athletic.
He was humble.
He was inspiring, especially to youth.
He is Tey's dad.
He is a son to Paul & Darlene.
He is a brother to Dan, Sean, Jenny & Kristie.
He IS loved and ALWAYS will be loved.
He IS missed and ALWAYS will be missed.
"Silky", "Silky Silv", "Coach Mike", "DAD" - we miss you down here. Come visit us in our dreams and please hold my sweet Jace for me.
Mike's obituary
Mike was a truly good hearted person who loved his family and would literally do anything for anyone. You know that saying, "he'll give you the shirt off his back", well, with Mike that saying was true. He DID take the shirt off his back for others. And he would have done it every single day for anyone that needed it. He could not walk or drive by a homeless person without giving something. He made friends wherever he went and his energy was contagious. Most of the time he had a smile on his face and his smile was a truly genuine one, one that you don't see often. He loved life. He was a very hard worker and he could play and have fun like no other (that's definitely where Tey gets it from). He was also very emotional and he hurt when others hurt. He wore his heart on his sleeve but not everyone knew that. I'm not even sure that makes sense? But for those that knew Mike, truly knew him, you know exactly what I'm saying.
Mike was Tey's dad but also a coach, He was "Coach Mike" to Tey and many of Tey's friends. He was everywhere those boys were and he was hard on them, on and off the court, in the best ways.
Tey is SO good at basketball because of Mike. He had him dribbling between his legs by 3 years old (maybe even 2)! Basketball was their biggest bond. If they weren't playing it they were watching it. And if they weren't together watching it they were constantly calling or texting each other about the big play they just watched. This past year Tey played on the JV team at Lansdowne High School and Mike videotaped every game. After each game he would create highlight videos of Tey AND also Tey's friends. He knew them all. And not just in passing. Literally these boys would look for him, asking Tey where his dad is and go over to him to shake his hand and say hi.
Mike was unique and young at heart and caring and accepting of everyone.
I could go on and on.
There aren't enough words to explain Mike, but again, for those that knew Mike, you know. We were the lucky ones to have him in our lives, to feel and feed off of his energy.
It took us some time but Mike and I were able to co-parent on fantastic terms and create a strong friendship. Brian and Mike got along great and Brian loved talking to Mike. My littles knew Mike as "Mr. Mike" and they loved him too. They knew him. They will ALWAYS know him.
Mike's funeral, as sad and devastating as it was, was also beautiful. The words spoken about Mike were words of truth. So many stories that made you laugh and cry and shake your head. And as his sister said, you left feeling a lot of hope, which is what Mike would have wanted.
I am still in shock. At certain moments every day I ask myself if this is real? I ask myself, is he really gone? I get angry and sad. I can't believe it. It's not fair. How could Tey lose his dad? And he lost his brother 2 years and 2 weeks prior? I'll never understand it. I'll always ask why. I'll never think it's fair or right. I miss him so I can only imagine how Tey feels and how his parents and siblings feel. It's another unexplainable, painful, heartbreaking loss, that I don't know I'll ever be able to comprehend or accept.
He was athletic.
He was humble.
He was inspiring, especially to youth.
He is Tey's dad.
He is a son to Paul & Darlene.
He is a brother to Dan, Sean, Jenny & Kristie.
He IS loved and ALWAYS will be loved.
He IS missed and ALWAYS will be missed.
"Silky", "Silky Silv", "Coach Mike", "DAD" - we miss you down here. Come visit us in our dreams and please hold my sweet Jace for me.
Mike's obituary
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| The varsity basketball team came to support Tey at Mike's funeral. |
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
2 years without you, my love...
When I thought about writing this I was so angry and sad. I can only look at pictures and memories that do not go past 23 days. I want more.
I've said it before and I'll say it the rest of my life, I want you back. I want you here on earth with me. I want you sharing your room with Eliana. I want to see that twin bond. I want to hold you and bathe you. I want to sleep next to you. I want to take you outside in the snow and in the sun and to see the stars. I want you to experience love and heartbreak. I want you to feel the ocean. I want you to have a bad dream so you wake up and need to be in MY arms. I want you to dance. I want you to live.
I. Want. You.
I don't really have any new words. It's the same now as it was 2/2/2016 and the same words it will be for as long as I live. I'm heartbroken. I will forever be heartbroken. A big piece of my heart is with you and it will always be with you. The rest of my heart is full from what I do have here, BUT, the rest of my heart is still shattered with what is missing, and that is you.
Jace, buddy, I look back now and wish I had seen the signs earlier and maybe I could have saved you. If I knew then what I know now, I do truly think things would have been different. I do think you would be here, where you belong. I question every single day, did we make the right decision to take you off of life support? If we had said no a third time, would you have lived? That's something I will always wonder, always doubt, always always always....
We took you off, they told us they were bringing your heartbeat back but YOU were not coming back. Your organs were shutting down. So, we took you off. I held you in my arms those last few moments as you took your final breath, and as your heart beat it's final beat. The pain feels as raw as ever. I can actually feel myself back in that room, room 9. The room Eliana started in and the room you passed away in....the room.
And then there was the other room. Room 11. This was the room you started in and the room Eliana moved to with you when she was less critical and able to finally be back with you again, where she belonged. I remember the day Eliana was moved. I walked into the NICU and went to room 11 first and there you both were, in your isolettes. I didn't have to go back and forth between two rooms, I had you both together again, like you were when you were in my womb. Again, where you both belonged. TOGETHER.
I found a new song that makes me think of you. And I made a new slideshow. It hurts that I can only keep adding the same pictures. But Jace, you, so beautiful, I can stare and stare at your pictures and videos all day. You are perfect.
2 years later, I love and miss you just as much, if not more. This is for you, my baby blue:
https://youtu.be/Yn9hRJdB9i4
I've said it before and I'll say it the rest of my life, I want you back. I want you here on earth with me. I want you sharing your room with Eliana. I want to see that twin bond. I want to hold you and bathe you. I want to sleep next to you. I want to take you outside in the snow and in the sun and to see the stars. I want you to experience love and heartbreak. I want you to feel the ocean. I want you to have a bad dream so you wake up and need to be in MY arms. I want you to dance. I want you to live.
I. Want. You.
I don't really have any new words. It's the same now as it was 2/2/2016 and the same words it will be for as long as I live. I'm heartbroken. I will forever be heartbroken. A big piece of my heart is with you and it will always be with you. The rest of my heart is full from what I do have here, BUT, the rest of my heart is still shattered with what is missing, and that is you.
Jace, buddy, I look back now and wish I had seen the signs earlier and maybe I could have saved you. If I knew then what I know now, I do truly think things would have been different. I do think you would be here, where you belong. I question every single day, did we make the right decision to take you off of life support? If we had said no a third time, would you have lived? That's something I will always wonder, always doubt, always always always....
We took you off, they told us they were bringing your heartbeat back but YOU were not coming back. Your organs were shutting down. So, we took you off. I held you in my arms those last few moments as you took your final breath, and as your heart beat it's final beat. The pain feels as raw as ever. I can actually feel myself back in that room, room 9. The room Eliana started in and the room you passed away in....the room.
And then there was the other room. Room 11. This was the room you started in and the room Eliana moved to with you when she was less critical and able to finally be back with you again, where she belonged. I remember the day Eliana was moved. I walked into the NICU and went to room 11 first and there you both were, in your isolettes. I didn't have to go back and forth between two rooms, I had you both together again, like you were when you were in my womb. Again, where you both belonged. TOGETHER.
I found a new song that makes me think of you. And I made a new slideshow. It hurts that I can only keep adding the same pictures. But Jace, you, so beautiful, I can stare and stare at your pictures and videos all day. You are perfect.
2 years later, I love and miss you just as much, if not more. This is for you, my baby blue:
https://youtu.be/Yn9hRJdB9i4
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Happy 2nd Birthday, Eliana Jade!
Ellz Bellz,
Hi sweet girl! I can't believe you're 2 today! You. Are. Amazing. Truly, remarkable. A miracle! My miracle...
SMART.
One word that perfectly describes you. Not just because you're my daughter, but because you truly truly are so super smart! You're vocabulary is out of this world! You speak like your sister does, in full sentences, with some sass and of course in Eliana style, with a bit of a lisp...the cutest lisp EVER:)
BEAUTIFUL.
Inside and out. With your dark curls and your eyes that no color quite covers. You are unique, smart, strong and hilarious. You keep us on our toes and keep us laughing!
FEISTY
From the beginning, you've been feisty. You've proved yourself as a fighter. You started off that way and 2 years later WATCH OUT WORLD! You mess with Eliana: she will not stand down. She is teaching us all a lot.
OUTGOING
So far, your personality is pretty different then your sisters. You LOVE attention! You are a ham and can easily make friends with other people with your sweet "Hi" and wave:)
FEARLESS
This scares the crap out of me! You are not afraid to climb on the couch, climb on your play kitchen, stand on top of a desk. You are a little daredevil and as much as it scares me it makes me so happy to see your curiosity and sense of adventure present itself everyday.
MAGNETIC
You draw people in... Just looking in your eyes everyone sees a light. Everywhere we go someone mentions your eyes, not the color, but what is deeper. There is so much life in you, so much spirit, so much energy. And I know that light shining through is you and Jace.
PROTECTIVE
You fight on a daily basis with your siblings but mess with them and you mess with our fearless feisty Eliana Jade. You don't want to go there:)
A TWIN
This word can be used in many ways when it comes to you. A verb, an adjective, a noun....all of the above. You are a twin. I carried you and Jace together in my belly for 27 weeks and 3 days, so yes, you are a twin. But, it's more than that. You're aware. I can see it just looking at you. When you're looking off in the distance or looking at Jace's picture you know your other half is not here on Earth but is always with you. Jace truly lives in your heart. He lives through you and you shine the light of Eliana and Jace so brightly the whole world wants to be apart of it.
So, my 2 year old girl; keep shining, stay strong, be you and never apologize for who you are because you are AMAZING! Jace is looking down at his twin sister smiling. HE is so proud of you. I am so proud of you. I'm sorry he isn't here, sweet girl, but remember he IS always here in your spirit and in your heart. Especially with you, his other half.
I love you!!!
Mommy
Hi sweet girl! I can't believe you're 2 today! You. Are. Amazing. Truly, remarkable. A miracle! My miracle...
SMART.
One word that perfectly describes you. Not just because you're my daughter, but because you truly truly are so super smart! You're vocabulary is out of this world! You speak like your sister does, in full sentences, with some sass and of course in Eliana style, with a bit of a lisp...the cutest lisp EVER:)
BEAUTIFUL.
Inside and out. With your dark curls and your eyes that no color quite covers. You are unique, smart, strong and hilarious. You keep us on our toes and keep us laughing!
FEISTY
From the beginning, you've been feisty. You've proved yourself as a fighter. You started off that way and 2 years later WATCH OUT WORLD! You mess with Eliana: she will not stand down. She is teaching us all a lot.
OUTGOING
So far, your personality is pretty different then your sisters. You LOVE attention! You are a ham and can easily make friends with other people with your sweet "Hi" and wave:)
FEARLESS
This scares the crap out of me! You are not afraid to climb on the couch, climb on your play kitchen, stand on top of a desk. You are a little daredevil and as much as it scares me it makes me so happy to see your curiosity and sense of adventure present itself everyday.
MAGNETIC
You draw people in... Just looking in your eyes everyone sees a light. Everywhere we go someone mentions your eyes, not the color, but what is deeper. There is so much life in you, so much spirit, so much energy. And I know that light shining through is you and Jace.
PROTECTIVE
You fight on a daily basis with your siblings but mess with them and you mess with our fearless feisty Eliana Jade. You don't want to go there:)
A TWIN
This word can be used in many ways when it comes to you. A verb, an adjective, a noun....all of the above. You are a twin. I carried you and Jace together in my belly for 27 weeks and 3 days, so yes, you are a twin. But, it's more than that. You're aware. I can see it just looking at you. When you're looking off in the distance or looking at Jace's picture you know your other half is not here on Earth but is always with you. Jace truly lives in your heart. He lives through you and you shine the light of Eliana and Jace so brightly the whole world wants to be apart of it.
So, my 2 year old girl; keep shining, stay strong, be you and never apologize for who you are because you are AMAZING! Jace is looking down at his twin sister smiling. HE is so proud of you. I am so proud of you. I'm sorry he isn't here, sweet girl, but remember he IS always here in your spirit and in your heart. Especially with you, his other half.
I love you!!!
Mommy
Happy 2nd Birthday, Jace Everett!
My Sweet Jace,
Happy 2nd birthday, Jace! This is a hard letter to write. I'm wishing you happy birthday but you aren't here with us. I want to write about this last year and the memories we've made but the only memories I have are from my pregnancy and your 23 days of life. This is a day of celebration and sadness. Your shared birthday with Eliana is here yet I feel like I'm now just waiting for February 2nd to come, because that is what is next. The day we lost you. I want more. I want more. I want more.
So, this day 2 years ago you were born at 6:38pm. 2 pounds 11 ounces and 14 inches long. Last night I was up looking at pictures from that day and the days after. When I close my eyes I can feel you in my arms again. I can smell you. I can hear your cry. Then I have to open my eyes and see that you aren't here. Yesterday during the day I looked through my box of memories. Your blood pressure cuff, your pillow, your hat, a onesie with your blood on it, the onesie you wore to the morgue. I sat in what was supposed to be your room shared with Eliana and just looked around. There is an emptiness in our house and in my heart and that emptiness will never be filled.
And just like last year, I wonder, what would you be like as a 2 year old? Would you be outgoing like Eliana or would you be more reserved? My guess is that you two would be pretty opposite because that's pretty common with siblings, but all I can do is wonder. I'm sure you would be fighting with Tey, Kiera and Eliana and maybe protecting Judah when the girls are mad at him for taking their toy? I don't know, again, I can only wonder. I can only wish.
I look up today and talk to you sweet boy. I miss you so much. I love you more than I could ever say. I am SO lucky to have had those 27 weeks 3 days of pregnancy and those 23 days with you. I am so lucky to be your mom. BUT, that doesn't mean that I think this is okay. It doesn't mean that I don't question WHY - every single day.
As you look down on us I hope we are making you proud. I hope you know and feel how very much we miss you and there is not a second of my life that I am not thinking of you. I know you are shining through Eliana...through her eyes, her smile, her laugh. You are her other half. She is your other half. We will never forget that and she will always know you. All of your siblings will always know you.
Singing Happy Birthday to Eliana this morning, we sing to you too. Because with Eliana comes Jace. And with Jace comes Eliana.
I'm sorry you're not here, I'm sorry I could not save you. You are missed beyond measure and you are loved beyond words. My Baby Blue forever...
I love you!
Mommy
Happy 2nd birthday, Jace! This is a hard letter to write. I'm wishing you happy birthday but you aren't here with us. I want to write about this last year and the memories we've made but the only memories I have are from my pregnancy and your 23 days of life. This is a day of celebration and sadness. Your shared birthday with Eliana is here yet I feel like I'm now just waiting for February 2nd to come, because that is what is next. The day we lost you. I want more. I want more. I want more.
So, this day 2 years ago you were born at 6:38pm. 2 pounds 11 ounces and 14 inches long. Last night I was up looking at pictures from that day and the days after. When I close my eyes I can feel you in my arms again. I can smell you. I can hear your cry. Then I have to open my eyes and see that you aren't here. Yesterday during the day I looked through my box of memories. Your blood pressure cuff, your pillow, your hat, a onesie with your blood on it, the onesie you wore to the morgue. I sat in what was supposed to be your room shared with Eliana and just looked around. There is an emptiness in our house and in my heart and that emptiness will never be filled.
And just like last year, I wonder, what would you be like as a 2 year old? Would you be outgoing like Eliana or would you be more reserved? My guess is that you two would be pretty opposite because that's pretty common with siblings, but all I can do is wonder. I'm sure you would be fighting with Tey, Kiera and Eliana and maybe protecting Judah when the girls are mad at him for taking their toy? I don't know, again, I can only wonder. I can only wish.
I look up today and talk to you sweet boy. I miss you so much. I love you more than I could ever say. I am SO lucky to have had those 27 weeks 3 days of pregnancy and those 23 days with you. I am so lucky to be your mom. BUT, that doesn't mean that I think this is okay. It doesn't mean that I don't question WHY - every single day.
As you look down on us I hope we are making you proud. I hope you know and feel how very much we miss you and there is not a second of my life that I am not thinking of you. I know you are shining through Eliana...through her eyes, her smile, her laugh. You are her other half. She is your other half. We will never forget that and she will always know you. All of your siblings will always know you.
Singing Happy Birthday to Eliana this morning, we sing to you too. Because with Eliana comes Jace. And with Jace comes Eliana.
I'm sorry you're not here, I'm sorry I could not save you. You are missed beyond measure and you are loved beyond words. My Baby Blue forever...
I love you!
Mommy
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