When I thought about writing this I was so angry and sad. I can only look at pictures and memories that do not go past 23 days. I want more.
I've said it before and I'll say it the rest of my life, I want you back. I want you here on earth with me. I want you sharing your room with Eliana. I want to see that twin bond. I want to hold you and bathe you. I want to sleep next to you. I want to take you outside in the snow and in the sun and to see the stars. I want you to experience love and heartbreak. I want you to feel the ocean. I want you to have a bad dream so you wake up and need to be in MY arms. I want you to dance. I want you to live.
I. Want. You.
I don't really have any new words. It's the same now as it was 2/2/2016 and the same words it will be for as long as I live. I'm heartbroken. I will forever be heartbroken. A big piece of my heart is with you and it will always be with you. The rest of my heart is full from what I do have here, BUT, the rest of my heart is still shattered with what is missing, and that is you.
Jace, buddy, I look back now and wish I had seen the signs earlier and maybe I could have saved you. If I knew then what I know now, I do truly think things would have been different. I do think you would be here, where you belong. I question every single day, did we make the right decision to take you off of life support? If we had said no a third time, would you have lived? That's something I will always wonder, always doubt, always always always....
We took you off, they told us they were bringing your heartbeat back but YOU were not coming back. Your organs were shutting down. So, we took you off. I held you in my arms those last few moments as you took your final breath, and as your heart beat it's final beat. The pain feels as raw as ever. I can actually feel myself back in that room, room 9. The room Eliana started in and the room you passed away in....the room.
And then there was the other room. Room 11. This was the room you started in and the room Eliana moved to with you when she was less critical and able to finally be back with you again, where she belonged. I remember the day Eliana was moved. I walked into the NICU and went to room 11 first and there you both were, in your isolettes. I didn't have to go back and forth between two rooms, I had you both together again, like you were when you were in my womb. Again, where you both belonged. TOGETHER.
I found a new song that makes me think of you. And I made a new slideshow. It hurts that I can only keep adding the same pictures. But Jace, you, so beautiful, I can stare and stare at your pictures and videos all day. You are perfect.
2 years later, I love and miss you just as much, if not more. This is for you, my baby blue:
https://youtu.be/Yn9hRJdB9i4
And the paradox of grief continues...the idea that things should be getting easier as time goes by, but instead we are moving farther from you in time and so it hurts more.
ReplyDeleteThere is no Earthy gift that can fill the void in our hearts...no amount of money, love, success, good fortune, etc. It is the most un-fixable thing in life. And yet my mind still tries to negotiate with it...what if we did this or didn't do that. How can I make this better? How can I fix this feeling I carry around with me every day? I think life and death are concepts that our hearts and minds just can't truly accept.
Every memory, every beautiful picture of you is forever connected to the pain of losing you. I cannot experience joy without experiencing pain.
I'm thankful that there are so many reminders of you, so many opportunities to honor you and keep you alive in our lives. January 10 to February 2 will always be a sacred time of year for your Mom and I.