Happy 2nd Birthday, Jace Everett!

My Sweet Jace,

Happy 2nd birthday, Jace! This is a hard letter to write.  I'm wishing you happy birthday but you aren't here with us. I want to write about this last year and the memories we've made but the only memories I have are from my pregnancy and your 23 days of life.  This is a day of celebration and sadness. Your shared birthday with Eliana is here yet I feel like I'm now just waiting for February 2nd to come, because that is what is next.  The day we lost you. I want more. I want more. I want more.

So, this day 2 years ago you were born at 6:38pm.  2 pounds 11 ounces and 14 inches long.  Last night I was up looking at pictures from that day and the days after. When I close my eyes I can feel you in my arms again. I can smell you. I can hear your cry. Then I have to open my eyes and see that you aren't here. Yesterday during the day I looked through my box of memories.  Your blood pressure cuff, your pillow, your hat, a onesie with your blood on it, the onesie you wore to the morgue. I sat in what was supposed to be your room shared with Eliana and just looked around.  There is an emptiness in our house and in my heart and that emptiness will never be filled.

And just like last year, I wonder, what would you be like as a 2 year old?  Would you be outgoing like Eliana or would you be more reserved?  My guess is that you two would be pretty opposite because that's pretty common with siblings, but all I can do is wonder.  I'm sure you would be fighting with Tey, Kiera and Eliana and maybe protecting Judah when the girls are mad at him for taking their toy?  I don't know, again, I can only wonder.  I can only wish.

I look up today and talk to you sweet boy.  I miss you so much.  I love you more than I could ever say.  I am SO lucky to have had those 27 weeks 3 days of pregnancy and those 23 days with you.  I am so lucky to be your mom.  BUT, that doesn't mean that I think this is okay.  It doesn't mean that I don't question WHY - every single day.

As you look down on us I hope we are making you proud.  I hope you know and feel how very much we miss you and there is not a second of my life that I am not thinking of you.  I know you are shining through Eliana...through her eyes, her smile, her laugh.  You are her other half.  She is your other half.  We will never forget that and she will always know you.  All of your siblings will always know you.

Singing Happy Birthday to Eliana this morning, we sing to you too.  Because with Eliana comes Jace.  And with Jace comes Eliana.

I'm sorry you're not here, I'm sorry I could not save you.  You are missed beyond measure and you are loved beyond words.  My Baby Blue forever...

I love you!
Mommy