I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. Well, 26 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday, I went to the hospital because I was experiencing some cramping. I went to L&D and everything looked good - my cervix was closed, all the lab results came back normal. I had 3 contractions while I was being monitored (within 50 minutes) but they weren't painful. So thankful. I was so scared when they were going to check me that my cervix was going to be dilated, because that's what happened with the twins. But, it wasn't - thank God.
I need this pregnancy to be full term. I need Judah to come out PLUMP, healthy, happy. No NICU. Just normal. I don't think I can face it all again and I don't want anyone else in our lives to have to face it all again. Yesterday alone, I felt terrible for putting the few people that knew through the worry.
One of those people is my son Tey.. He's 14 (almost 15) and that is a really tough age to go through everything he has had to go through. The day I went to the hospital for the twins I thought I'd be right back and Tey did too. But I wasn't. So, he had to face the early delivery of his sister and brother AND face the fact that his mom was also going through all of this. Tey and I are close. I don't think he would admit it but we have an unspoken closeness. It was just him and I for a very long time and we went through a lot together. So, I know he worries about me. Again, not that he would admit it:)
This was also a huge disruption in his life. School, Basketball. Friends. His mom, who has always been there, not being around as much to support him, talk to him, drive him, etc. Tey handled it all really well but I know it was hard on him. The day Jace passed away Tey was with his dad. Jace passed at 4:01am and I called Tey around 4:30am. He immediately came to the hospital to see Jace and us. Death is very scary and to have to face it with your baby brother when you are 14 is even scarier. Tey came in the room even though we warned him that Jace did not look like himself and he just cried with us. I held him. He still went to school that day because that was what he needed to do. He checked on me throughout the day through text message.
The day of Jace's cremation Tey wanted to come and see him one more time. Once we talked to the funeral director everyone left the room but me, Tey and my sister, Lisa. They brought Jace to us and he looked amazing. He looked like our Jace. He was just in his diaper. I brought a onesie with me and we dressed him. All three of us talked to him and kissed him. And Tey lost it. He cried for his baby brother. He cried for his loss. He cried because of the pain. And my sister and I just held him while still holding Jace. It again was what Tey needed. This was a moment that I know the three of us will remember and hold dearly in our hearts forever. It's something you should never have to go through but we went through it all together and it's a moment where you bond in a way you don't know is possible and it's a bond that will never break. You'll always have that moment between you. I wrapped Jace in the scarf I was wearing so he would be wrapped in his mommy's arms forever. Brian and I both wrote letters to Jace so we placed that with him. And both Jayne (Brian's mom/grandma Jayne) and my sister Lisa had something very special they placed with Jace as well.
The hardest words I heard from Tey during this time were that I had told him they were going to be okay. Tey would ask me all the time, okay one of the twins is going through this, but they'll be okay, right mom? And I answered what I thought was the truth. I answered yes. And I was wrong.
Also, Tey said after Jace's passing that the hardest part is knowing that he won't be able to do the things with Jace he wanted to do. Teach him basketball, take him to Raven's games. He won't have a future with his baby brother.
Then the day of Jace's memorial, February 13, 2016. His memorial was perfect. It was based a lot around music. We played songs for him and we sat and listened to the words. Chaplain Lisa Fisher spoke for us and she was perfect. Brian read his letter to Jace. And Tey. Tey so bravely read a verse that the Chaplain had picked out. And he was perfect. His words are below:
John 14: 1-4
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."
Tey lost his baby brother and watched his baby sister battle for her life. He watched his mom's heart break and continues to see it breaking on a daily basis. He truly knows that life is not guaranteed and that is a hard thing to swallow for anyone but especially for a kid his age. I wish he didn't have to feel that pain.
I am so proud of Tey and I love him more than words can say.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016
World Prematurity Day
November 17 was World Prematurity Day.
I started writing this on that day but didn't get to finish. This is my third time revisiting. I can't seem to get all the words out.
Premature birth is the leading cause of death in children under the age of five worldwide. Babies born too early may have more health issues than babies born on time, and may face long-term health problems that affect the brain, the lungs, hearing or vision. World Prematurity Day on November 17 raises awareness of this serious health crisis. Throughout the month we draw attention to the lifesaving research, treatments and community support made possible when we work together to give every baby a fighting chance.
I'm reading today that in 2016 the nation's preterm birth rate worsened for the first time in eight years. The US birth rate is at 9.6% which is graded as a C. This tells us how much work still needs to be done. The first step is raising awareness.
I am raising awareness because of my preemies - Jace and Eliana.
They went through a lot. I went through a lot. Brian went through a lot. Our families went through a lot.
I can't seem to get all the words out and in this case I think that's okay.
I started writing this on that day but didn't get to finish. This is my third time revisiting. I can't seem to get all the words out.
Premature birth is the leading cause of death in children under the age of five worldwide. Babies born too early may have more health issues than babies born on time, and may face long-term health problems that affect the brain, the lungs, hearing or vision. World Prematurity Day on November 17 raises awareness of this serious health crisis. Throughout the month we draw attention to the lifesaving research, treatments and community support made possible when we work together to give every baby a fighting chance.
I'm reading today that in 2016 the nation's preterm birth rate worsened for the first time in eight years. The US birth rate is at 9.6% which is graded as a C. This tells us how much work still needs to be done. The first step is raising awareness.
I am raising awareness because of my preemies - Jace and Eliana.
They went through a lot. I went through a lot. Brian went through a lot. Our families went through a lot.
I can't seem to get all the words out and in this case I think that's okay.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays. Actually, it is my favorite. I love being able to gather with those I love and watch the kids have fun, talk, laugh and truly be thankful.
This year is going to be different. It already feels different. It was supposed to be our first Thanksgiving with the twins. I could imagine dressing them up, different but the same. However, this will be our first Thanksgiving with Eliana and our first WITHOUT Jace. We will never have a Thanksgiving with him. So, it is hard for me to be truly thankful. I mean, I'm thankful for what I do have but it isn't fair that I don't have Jace here with me. It isn't fair. It's not fair to Jace, or me, or his twin, his other sister, his brother, his daddy. It. Isn't. Fair.
I am grateful about many things and feel guilty for saying that I am not completely thankful but I'd be lying if I said I felt complete. I will never feel complete. Holidays are always going to be hard. Something is always going to be missing. HOW can I be truly thankful when my son was taken from me? Holidays will never be the same. No day will ever be the same.
So, on this Thanksgiving I will light a candle for Jace and place his picture next to it to have him there with us. I'll let the candle burn all day and each time I look at it I will know he is here with us in spirit. He will know that he will never be forgotten, he will always be included in every holiday, birthday, every day.
This year is going to be different. It already feels different. It was supposed to be our first Thanksgiving with the twins. I could imagine dressing them up, different but the same. However, this will be our first Thanksgiving with Eliana and our first WITHOUT Jace. We will never have a Thanksgiving with him. So, it is hard for me to be truly thankful. I mean, I'm thankful for what I do have but it isn't fair that I don't have Jace here with me. It isn't fair. It's not fair to Jace, or me, or his twin, his other sister, his brother, his daddy. It. Isn't. Fair.
I am grateful about many things and feel guilty for saying that I am not completely thankful but I'd be lying if I said I felt complete. I will never feel complete. Holidays are always going to be hard. Something is always going to be missing. HOW can I be truly thankful when my son was taken from me? Holidays will never be the same. No day will ever be the same.
So, on this Thanksgiving I will light a candle for Jace and place his picture next to it to have him there with us. I'll let the candle burn all day and each time I look at it I will know he is here with us in spirit. He will know that he will never be forgotten, he will always be included in every holiday, birthday, every day.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Judah Cole Gorman
Brian and I both thought we were done having babies after we found out we were pregnant with the twins. Our ORIGINAL plan was to have one more. Then SURPRISE we were pregnant with twins. It was a shock and we were very scared BUT once we made it through the shock faze we were beyond excited.
Fast forward to January 2016 - we had them early and then February 2016 we lost our Jace.
No one can ever replace Jace. No one can. No one will. He will always be our one and only Jace. Our second son. Our third born.
The decision to have another baby was not something we took lightly. But, we were both thinking it before we ever even spoke about it. The first time we did speak about it, I don't remember who brought it up, but I know the other said they were thinking the same thing. At this point, we didn't know if this was the grief talking. If this was us thinking/wishing we could bring our Jace back. So, we knew we weren't ready to make the decision.
Then we decided. We decided we wanted a 5th child. Boy OR Girl - we didn't care. We knew another baby would be HANDPICKED and given to us by Jace. We were and are scared. That is something that will never go away. But we knew this was what we wanted.
And when it happened - it happened quick. We were VERY lucky to be able to conceive this baby very soon after starting to try (I know many others are not so lucky). I thought this baby was a girl. The entire time - until we found out - I thought girl. Quite a few others thought boy, including Brian. We found out early because of genetic testing that we were in fact carrying our 3rd boy - our youngest son - this son who we know was picked by his big brother, Jace in Heaven.
We decided on the name Judah Cole - Brian actually came up with it - and I fell in love. It is a beautiful name AND it also honors Jace.
Judah does not replace Jace. Judah is Jace's little brother. Judah is our rainbow baby. We have Jace to thank for that.
Fast forward to January 2016 - we had them early and then February 2016 we lost our Jace.
No one can ever replace Jace. No one can. No one will. He will always be our one and only Jace. Our second son. Our third born.
The decision to have another baby was not something we took lightly. But, we were both thinking it before we ever even spoke about it. The first time we did speak about it, I don't remember who brought it up, but I know the other said they were thinking the same thing. At this point, we didn't know if this was the grief talking. If this was us thinking/wishing we could bring our Jace back. So, we knew we weren't ready to make the decision.
Then we decided. We decided we wanted a 5th child. Boy OR Girl - we didn't care. We knew another baby would be HANDPICKED and given to us by Jace. We were and are scared. That is something that will never go away. But we knew this was what we wanted.
And when it happened - it happened quick. We were VERY lucky to be able to conceive this baby very soon after starting to try (I know many others are not so lucky). I thought this baby was a girl. The entire time - until we found out - I thought girl. Quite a few others thought boy, including Brian. We found out early because of genetic testing that we were in fact carrying our 3rd boy - our youngest son - this son who we know was picked by his big brother, Jace in Heaven.
We decided on the name Judah Cole - Brian actually came up with it - and I fell in love. It is a beautiful name AND it also honors Jace.
Judah does not replace Jace. Judah is Jace's little brother. Judah is our rainbow baby. We have Jace to thank for that.
Monday, November 14, 2016
World Prematurity Awareness Month
My twins were born at 27 weeks 3 days. That is 13 weeks early and very premature. For the age they were born I think their weight was actually "higher" than I expected. Jace being 2 lbs 11 ozs and Eliana 2 lbs 8 ozs, I felt they were "big" for their gestational age.
Prematurity is scary. And again, you never think it's going to happen to you or your babies. But it happens every day. And it happened to us.
The weekend of 1/10/16 I was definitely having some Braxton hicks contractions. This was my 3rd pregnancy and I had no doubt in my mind that was what I was experiencing (or so I thought). The biggest difference with these were that at times it literally felt like I was being kicked down low. If I was sitting down I would feel a kick and it felt like the baby was kicking the chair I was sitting on. Again, none of this hurt, so I thought, Braxton hicks and very active babies. They started on Friday and finally by Sunday I called the hospital on call number to say I was having Braxton hicks OR contractions that were not painful. I let them know I was having twins. The on call doctor I spoke to told me that unless I'm having 4-6 an hour I should just keep my feet up and stay hydrated. So, that's what I did. When the evening came around and I was still having them, not always 4-6 an hour but still consistently and they were starting to become painful, I called the hospital back again. I spoke to a different doctor this time who said, 27 weeks with twins, we don't want to take any chances and said to come in right away.
Brian was at the band house at this point so he came home and his mom came to stay with Kiera. We left for the hospital as soon as Brian got home and Jayne got there to watch our girl. The worst thought I had in my head was that these might be contractions BUT if they were they would stop them. I never thought I would be giving birth within the hour. In fact, my brother-in-law, Chris, was on his way to my house from NC for work. I told him not to worry because I was sure I'd be back home before he even arrived. On the way to the hospital I had some very painful contractions but not many. We arrived at the hospital and they took us back within a few minutes. They hooked me up to be monitored and they came in to swab for preterm labor. As they are checking the nurse says she can see my water bag bulging so I must be at least 2-3 centimeters dilated. Then she does a "full" check and says, no, you are 10 centimeters. A doctor comes in at this point and they do a quick sonogram to check the position of the twins. They were both breech so there was no chance of me pushing and at this point they call for an emergency C-section. I have to try to remain calm because Jace was right there and they didn't want my water to break. We are rushed back and luckily I am able to stay awake during the procedure and Brian made it to my side on time. They quickly started the surgery and got Jace out with no complications. When it came time for Eliana to enter the world the doctor could not find her. He ended up having to cut my uterus all the way up to find and get her out. Because of this she was BADLY bruised. I did briefly see Jace before they rushed him to the NICU but was unable to see Eliana because she was not in good shape.
From this point my surgery was completed and I was rolled to recovery. Brian went up to the NICU to see the twins (which was all I wanted him to do). He didn't get to see Eliana much because they were busy working on her (stabilizing her) but did get to spend some time with Jace.
I did not get to go up to the NICU to see the twins until around 3:30 in the morning and this would be the first time I was able to see Eliana and to see Jace in more than just a passing. They were beautiful.
This began the NICU journey for the twins, our family, friends and us.
Prematurity is scary. And again, you never think it's going to happen to you or your babies. But it happens every day. And it happened to us.
The weekend of 1/10/16 I was definitely having some Braxton hicks contractions. This was my 3rd pregnancy and I had no doubt in my mind that was what I was experiencing (or so I thought). The biggest difference with these were that at times it literally felt like I was being kicked down low. If I was sitting down I would feel a kick and it felt like the baby was kicking the chair I was sitting on. Again, none of this hurt, so I thought, Braxton hicks and very active babies. They started on Friday and finally by Sunday I called the hospital on call number to say I was having Braxton hicks OR contractions that were not painful. I let them know I was having twins. The on call doctor I spoke to told me that unless I'm having 4-6 an hour I should just keep my feet up and stay hydrated. So, that's what I did. When the evening came around and I was still having them, not always 4-6 an hour but still consistently and they were starting to become painful, I called the hospital back again. I spoke to a different doctor this time who said, 27 weeks with twins, we don't want to take any chances and said to come in right away.
Brian was at the band house at this point so he came home and his mom came to stay with Kiera. We left for the hospital as soon as Brian got home and Jayne got there to watch our girl. The worst thought I had in my head was that these might be contractions BUT if they were they would stop them. I never thought I would be giving birth within the hour. In fact, my brother-in-law, Chris, was on his way to my house from NC for work. I told him not to worry because I was sure I'd be back home before he even arrived. On the way to the hospital I had some very painful contractions but not many. We arrived at the hospital and they took us back within a few minutes. They hooked me up to be monitored and they came in to swab for preterm labor. As they are checking the nurse says she can see my water bag bulging so I must be at least 2-3 centimeters dilated. Then she does a "full" check and says, no, you are 10 centimeters. A doctor comes in at this point and they do a quick sonogram to check the position of the twins. They were both breech so there was no chance of me pushing and at this point they call for an emergency C-section. I have to try to remain calm because Jace was right there and they didn't want my water to break. We are rushed back and luckily I am able to stay awake during the procedure and Brian made it to my side on time. They quickly started the surgery and got Jace out with no complications. When it came time for Eliana to enter the world the doctor could not find her. He ended up having to cut my uterus all the way up to find and get her out. Because of this she was BADLY bruised. I did briefly see Jace before they rushed him to the NICU but was unable to see Eliana because she was not in good shape.
From this point my surgery was completed and I was rolled to recovery. Brian went up to the NICU to see the twins (which was all I wanted him to do). He didn't get to see Eliana much because they were busy working on her (stabilizing her) but did get to spend some time with Jace.
I did not get to go up to the NICU to see the twins until around 3:30 in the morning and this would be the first time I was able to see Eliana and to see Jace in more than just a passing. They were beautiful.
This began the NICU journey for the twins, our family, friends and us.
Jace Everett Gorman
Eliana Jade Gorman
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
9 months
I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind so please excuse this if I seem all over the place.
It has been 9 months today since our Jace passed away.
I was talking to my sister this evening about how it feels like it was just yesterday that Jace passed away yet at the same time it also feels like it was a century ago. We were also talking about how we remember every single thing about that day. I can truly close my eyes and be right back there at the hospital when Jace started getting really sick and remember everything after. Every single detail.
I want Jace back. I would relive that day over and over again, even though saying goodbye was the hardest day of my life, just to be able to hold him again.
I have always had a love for the nursery rhyme "You Are My Sunshine". Of course, I only knew the first verse of the song:
***You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.***
and more recently heard the second. I always sing this song to my girls and I sang it to Tey when he was a baby too. Now, knowing the second verse, I think of Jace.
The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I never knew this. And most people probably don't know this unless they themselves or someone close to them has lost a baby. October 15th is the actual day: "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day". I was in NC visiting my sister on this day, by myself, with NO kids! Of course, Lisa, who is always aware and sensitive to what I am feeling (whether I say it or not) made sure we made it a special day for Jace. She made some candles with Jace's name and date of birth and death. We bought tea lights and made a big heart with a J in the middle and she purchased balloons (blue and pink which represent the month) for us all to write a message to Jace. Lisa, Chris, Bella, Jolie and I all wrote our letter to Jace and released the balloons to him that evening. We also sent text messages to friends asking them to light a candle for Jace and the pictures we received back were indescribable. Incredible. It was truly special and I hope Jace felt that. I've included some pictures and a video I put together for this day.
I don't have the words to say how much it means to me that so many people lit a candle for Jace. It touched my heart and soul in a way that I can't describe.
http://youtu.be/w4YVuQr_njs
It has been 9 months today since our Jace passed away.
I was talking to my sister this evening about how it feels like it was just yesterday that Jace passed away yet at the same time it also feels like it was a century ago. We were also talking about how we remember every single thing about that day. I can truly close my eyes and be right back there at the hospital when Jace started getting really sick and remember everything after. Every single detail.
I want Jace back. I would relive that day over and over again, even though saying goodbye was the hardest day of my life, just to be able to hold him again.
I have always had a love for the nursery rhyme "You Are My Sunshine". Of course, I only knew the first verse of the song:
***You are my sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.***
and more recently heard the second. I always sing this song to my girls and I sang it to Tey when he was a baby too. Now, knowing the second verse, I think of Jace.
The other night, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I never knew this. And most people probably don't know this unless they themselves or someone close to them has lost a baby. October 15th is the actual day: "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day". I was in NC visiting my sister on this day, by myself, with NO kids! Of course, Lisa, who is always aware and sensitive to what I am feeling (whether I say it or not) made sure we made it a special day for Jace. She made some candles with Jace's name and date of birth and death. We bought tea lights and made a big heart with a J in the middle and she purchased balloons (blue and pink which represent the month) for us all to write a message to Jace. Lisa, Chris, Bella, Jolie and I all wrote our letter to Jace and released the balloons to him that evening. We also sent text messages to friends asking them to light a candle for Jace and the pictures we received back were indescribable. Incredible. It was truly special and I hope Jace felt that. I've included some pictures and a video I put together for this day.
I don't have the words to say how much it means to me that so many people lit a candle for Jace. It touched my heart and soul in a way that I can't describe.
http://youtu.be/w4YVuQr_njs
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