I'm 26 weeks pregnant now. Well, 26 weeks and 2 days. Yesterday, I went to the hospital because I was experiencing some cramping. I went to L&D and everything looked good - my cervix was closed, all the lab results came back normal. I had 3 contractions while I was being monitored (within 50 minutes) but they weren't painful. So thankful. I was so scared when they were going to check me that my cervix was going to be dilated, because that's what happened with the twins. But, it wasn't - thank God.
I need this pregnancy to be full term. I need Judah to come out PLUMP, healthy, happy. No NICU. Just normal. I don't think I can face it all again and I don't want anyone else in our lives to have to face it all again. Yesterday alone, I felt terrible for putting the few people that knew through the worry.
One of those people is my son Tey.. He's 14 (almost 15) and that is a really tough age to go through everything he has had to go through. The day I went to the hospital for the twins I thought I'd be right back and Tey did too. But I wasn't. So, he had to face the early delivery of his sister and brother AND face the fact that his mom was also going through all of this. Tey and I are close. I don't think he would admit it but we have an unspoken closeness. It was just him and I for a very long time and we went through a lot together. So, I know he worries about me. Again, not that he would admit it:)
This was also a huge disruption in his life. School, Basketball. Friends. His mom, who has always been there, not being around as much to support him, talk to him, drive him, etc. Tey handled it all really well but I know it was hard on him. The day Jace passed away Tey was with his dad. Jace passed at 4:01am and I called Tey around 4:30am. He immediately came to the hospital to see Jace and us. Death is very scary and to have to face it with your baby brother when you are 14 is even scarier. Tey came in the room even though we warned him that Jace did not look like himself and he just cried with us. I held him. He still went to school that day because that was what he needed to do. He checked on me throughout the day through text message.
The day of Jace's cremation Tey wanted to come and see him one more time. Once we talked to the funeral director everyone left the room but me, Tey and my sister, Lisa. They brought Jace to us and he looked amazing. He looked like our Jace. He was just in his diaper. I brought a onesie with me and we dressed him. All three of us talked to him and kissed him. And Tey lost it. He cried for his baby brother. He cried for his loss. He cried because of the pain. And my sister and I just held him while still holding Jace. It again was what Tey needed. This was a moment that I know the three of us will remember and hold dearly in our hearts forever. It's something you should never have to go through but we went through it all together and it's a moment where you bond in a way you don't know is possible and it's a bond that will never break. You'll always have that moment between you. I wrapped Jace in the scarf I was wearing so he would be wrapped in his mommy's arms forever. Brian and I both wrote letters to Jace so we placed that with him. And both Jayne (Brian's mom/grandma Jayne) and my sister Lisa had something very special they placed with Jace as well.
The hardest words I heard from Tey during this time were that I had told him they were going to be okay. Tey would ask me all the time, okay one of the twins is going through this, but they'll be okay, right mom? And I answered what I thought was the truth. I answered yes. And I was wrong.
Also, Tey said after Jace's passing that the hardest part is knowing that he won't be able to do the things with Jace he wanted to do. Teach him basketball, take him to Raven's games. He won't have a future with his baby brother.
Then the day of Jace's memorial, February 13, 2016. His memorial was perfect. It was based a lot around music. We played songs for him and we sat and listened to the words. Chaplain Lisa Fisher spoke for us and she was perfect. Brian read his letter to Jace. And Tey. Tey so bravely read a verse that the Chaplain had picked out. And he was perfect. His words are below:
John 14: 1-4
"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going."
Tey lost his baby brother and watched his baby sister battle for her life. He watched his mom's heart break and continues to see it breaking on a daily basis. He truly knows that life is not guaranteed and that is a hard thing to swallow for anyone but especially for a kid his age. I wish he didn't have to feel that pain.
I am so proud of Tey and I love him more than words can say.
No comments:
Post a Comment