How can it be that a year ago we took you off the machines? We told you it was okay to go, we told you that you were going to a better place, that we would be okay.
How can it be that inside I screamed that I wanted you back when just hours earlier I told you it was okay to go?
I'll never forget those moments. The moment I walked in from the parent room to see them performing CPR on my beautiful boy. The moment I called Brian to hurry to the hospital. The moment Brian walked in and shortly after they had to perform CPR again and we had to tell them to save you, to bring you back. The third time when they told us your organs were shutting down. CPR was only bringing back your heartbeat, it wasn't bringing YOU back. The moment that third time we told them to stop CPR, to take you off the machines, to let you die in our arms. The sounds of your daddy sobbing like I've never heard before. A pain so raw coming from his heart that I will never forget the sound, never be able to . And them telling us you were gone, 4:01am on 2/2/2016, you were pronounced dead, in my arms.
So raw. So empty. Our lives forever changed.
So many people tell me I am strong, I am brave. BUT I don't feel strong. I don't feel brave. A part of me is dying on the inside. A part of me died with you, Jace. Even when I am smiling and appear happy there is always a hurt that I hide. I do experience happiness, joy, love etc... But along with those moments the hurt does not go away, the missing piece of my heart is ALWAYS missing.
The last year has also taught me so much. I have been to the bottom. It isn't possible to go any further down. I lost my son. There is no hurt that can compare to that. This last year I've done my best to dig myself out of that bottom, to walk up this long winding road. There has been some success in climbing and there have been many moments where I slide back down. But, this year has brought with it tears and smiles, heartache and joy, sorrow and comfort, pain and hope.
The pain from losing Jace is indescribable. The joy in watching Eliana thrive is a miracle. The happiness that is Kiera is pure joy to my life. And the growth and energy, courage and strength that is Tey reminds me of what is possible and what is great in life.
So, I am dealing with the pain. I can't say it's gotten better, I don't think it ever will. But I am dealing because I get up every day, I face the day and I make it through. It's too hard to express how very much I miss Jace. But, I am walking this road, going uphill some days and down other. Knowing I won't reach the top until I am reunited with Jace again one day. But also knowing, he IS living on in my heart and I walk this road alongside him, with him and that will never change.
https://youtu.be/w4YVuQr_njs
https://youtu.be/any5qq6jAio
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